Why I Am a Fraud (?)

My, has it been a bit.

(9 minutes later…)

I have written and re-written the start of this entry four times now. I think we’ll go with this —

You see, life can be a tricky bitch.

I’m currently navigating some life things that, by virtue of what they are, have me involuntarily questioning a lot. Particularly, a lot around the notion of “normal.” When I started this blog, it was intended to be a big, digital “fuck you” to the antiquated conventions of what it means to be a “lady.” I was never a fan of molds or of conforming to others’ expectations.

Women grow up hearing what they are supposed to do, feel, think and pursue. Recent events and movements have made major strides in shattering those “shoulds.” While I never considered myself to be a feminist or activist (really, for as big as my mouth is, I am much better as a sideline supporter), I have cheered on from the sidelines with a resounding Hell. Yes.

But then there’s the healthcare arena. (And no, I’m not going to talk about abortion or the pro-choice agenda) When you are not at 100%, test results, benchmarks, doctor feedback all ground your new reality in a mindset of abnormality. Even if you do everything right to care for your body – diet, exercise, sleep, stress management – sometimes it’s not good enough and you’re STILL an outlier*.

(*Note: not a life-threatening kind of outlier.)

Now, you’d think that for someone who built a blog to buck the norm, this wouldn’t be a hard pill to swallow.

But it is.

In every facet of my life, I seek out the opportunity to be the outlier. I relish in it. I thrive as the contrarian. But when it comes to my health, I desperately crave to just. be. normal.

And I hate that about myself.

And I hate that I hate that about myself.

Because this: does this all mean that I’m really just a fraud? That this blog and my very nature are mere charades to trick myself into fitting a self-imposed label (“outlier”) just like… every… other… (gulp) feminist? Shit, I am just like everyone else, trying to be unlike everyone else… only not, because when it comes to my health (which is not in me, it is of me), I want to be “normal.”

What a mind-bending existential clusterfuck, eh?

 

Leave a Reply